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I expect if I had to start a list it would have these key features in it: my wife discretely asking permission for her to do certain things; the wearing of items of clothing that signified our connection, especially night clothes, underwear; key words used often during the day to show our love for one another and to assert my authority and her feeling of submission and safety and her knowing that we were still connected; my saying if she was going shopping to buy something special for herself; quick cuddles and fondles whenever it was appropriate; discrete gestures that only she and I understood; instructions as to what she should or should not wear; a form of discipline in the bedroom at night that we did every night – it could be words of a power exchange or actual physical discipline.
Finally as it was her parents we mostly visited I realised it was more difficult for her; I myself could merge into the background more, which is often a problem as commented on by Sarah. Therefore I did try to be more attentive and caring to her; not always successfully. But we did talk about and realise the problems. Not at first though. I remember it took a lot of chat and mistakes to understand where the pressure was and how to make it a better experience.
Now it is a delight to go away. But of course the children, as from this summer, are away at university or jobs and now we can be as demanding of each other as we want. Toys, clothes, words and time are all available to us.
If I had known some of this all these years ago, from the start, when the children were young and we visited different people and places I think it would have been much easier.
Thank you for the article and I am sure you will have plenty of comments to help.
This Too Will Pass
by Davidaze on 2005 Dec 3 - 21:11 | reply to this comment
The couple must come first
Davidaze wrote: